Why Kids Are Desperate For Discipline
It’s 5:30 on a Tuesday night and you’re flying down the aisles of the grocery store trying to pick up some last minute dinner items. Your toddler is in the front of the cart wailing at the top of his lungs. You’ve tried the binky, the sippy, and the blanky and nothing is calming him down. You feel a tug on your pant leg; it’s your preschooler begging incessantly for a Popsicle. You say “No!” for the millionth time and she throws herself on the floor and begins to put on a show so dramatic she could win an Oscar. Every mom has been there. We try so hard to be the best parents possible, and yet every now and then you get a complete and total meltdown. It is not uncommon; in fact, last time you were at this very store you witnessed another mom’s plight. With the stress of daily life, it is not difficult to lose your grip on your children’s behavior and experience a feeling of “abandon ship”, especially when your precious babies turn into monsters. However, I am here to tell you to stay aboard and hold on for the ride, because with the right tricks and tools, you can survive the long voyage.
The first thing most parents need to realize is that children are desperate for discipline. It reminds me of a story I read about a brand new school. The school spent a great deal of money building a top-notch, state of the art playground, but on the first day of school the students did not play on it. The school was situated off a main road and during recess cars would whiz by on the busy street. The playground was separated from this road by only a small grassy area. After a few days of empty slides, the school put a plastic fence along the side of the structure and the kids finally began to play. It just goes to show that the kids only felt safe when there was a boundary between themselves and the cars, even a small one. It is important to remember that children have keen senses and that although they can be irrational and carefree, they also love the feeling of comfort and stability. Our job as parents is to provide an environment where we can fine-tune their instincts as well as create a loving and safe place for them to grow.
My father likes to remind me that “back in the day” parents used to let kids learn from their mistakes. For instance, if little Johnny wants to put his hand near the stove, he is going to get burned and next time he won’t touch the hot stove! In today’s hypersensitive world, this seems unacceptable. Most parents these days want to prevent accidents altogether. And while this is a nice thought, it is not completely rational. Kids are going to make mistakes and get hurt whether we like it or not. The best thing we can do is prepare them for those times when we are not around to warn them to be careful or to catch them before they fall. It is important to talk to our kids about dangerous situations and let them decide whether it’s worth the risk. Most kids will want to avoid injury at all costs, so making a list of cause and effect for situations may be enough. For example, you can make a chart with two columns; on one side list things or places to avoid such as hot stoves or ovens, downed power lines, strangers, deep water, busy streets, etc. On the other side list the repercussions that may result from getting into the things in the first column; burning yourself, getting electrocuted, being kidnapped, drowning, or being hit by a car. Discuss these things with your child and remind them that you love them and you would hate for them to get hurt. While we do not want to frighten our children too much, we do want to make them aware and cautious. If we start this thought process early, we can help kids make the right choice when they are confronted with dangerous situations.
From time to time I come across a mom or dad who is so run down from trying to enforce rules, that they basically allow their children free reign and just clean up the mess later. Examples of this might be a tot who tears through the playroom leaving a path of destruction behind her and mom tip toes carefully around catapulted toys all day long only to come back before bedtime to clear a path for tomorrow. Or what about a clever school-ager who finagles dad for another snack after dinner even though mom told her no twice already. This type of passive resistance is common, especially for working parents who are probably so exhausted from a day at the office that their bodies do not even have the energy to stop a brother and sister from having a wrestling match over the TV remote. While allowing problems to “work themselves out” from time to time can be a good thing, parents who give away their authority easily will have a heck of a time trying to get it back when it really counts. Setting a few “NO compromise” rules can be helpful. A solid list of never-changing expectations posted in a public place in the house can make a huge difference. An example of what might go on this list could be “No hitting”. It’s simple and clear and kids of all ages should understand. Chose an appropriate consequence for each rule, for instance if you hit you will go to time out for 3 minutes. When a child breaks a rule, show them the list and then follow through with the punishment, NO compromise. You may find that it takes a lot less energy to enforce a rule when the option for compromise is taken out of the picture from the get go. Kids will probably still try to talk you out of their punishment, but all you have to do is point to the list and say, “I’m sorry, it says no compromise” and leave it at that.
Keeping a child safe is the main motivation for making rules, and this is no acceptation for babies who are just learning to walk and exploring our world. However, just telling a baby “No!” is only going to get you so far. A good way to help younger children obey boundaries is to take them around the house and expose them to areas that are ok to play and others that are off limits. You can make a sign with the word ‘NO’ or just a simple red ‘X’ and tape them to places where babies and kids cannot go. Cupboards, shelves, stairs, and even certain doors make great spots for these signs. Show your child that areas where there is a sign means that it is off limits. While babies and very young toddlers will not understand right away, repetition and reminders can make a long-term difference. It is also a good idea to give alternatives to places and things that cannot be played with. For instance, if your baby is constantly trying to remove all the DVDs from the shelf, put a “NO” sign there and then offer something else to play with in that area. Maybe put some toys in a basket nearby and show your baby that the toys are much more fun to play with than DVDs. Giving kids the opportunity to make the right choice from early on can encourage good decisions later in life.
I have a friend who once asked me “When is my kid old enough to spank?” and I did not have a good answer. I suppose the answer is whenever you feel he needs one. Spanking in today’s world is a touchy subject because it hovers over a very thin line between appropriate force and child abuse. While everyone’s opinion of spanking is going to differ, it is most important to note that it works for some kids and is not necessary for others. I know some kids who only need to see the look on mom’s face and they take off running to the time out corner. Whereas other kids are much more persistent and will push their parent until they are met with a brick wall, which often times is in the form of a spanking. While it is nice to think that we will never have to physically hurt our children to get a point across, it is likely that at least once in their lives we may have to slap a hand or swat a tush. For some parents, spanking is an extremely effective tool and can make all the difference. I knew a mom whose daughter used to throw tantrums and she would sit there and try to reason with and cuddle her daughter out of it, but what usually resulted was mom getting kicked, hit, or screamed at. After a few minutes of abuse from her child, mom finally spanked her daughter and forcefully sat her on the bed. Calm and clear she said, “It is time to stop”. And after a short time, her daughter simmered down. It’s an unfortunate reality that most kids do not have good self control and that sometimes it is the job of the parent to be a sort of barrier that the child meets in order to know that they cannot carry on any further. The buck should stop at mom and dad. They are the authority and what they say goes. Teaching kids to respect their boundaries is key to helping them feel safe. While I could not condone spanking as a tool for every parent to use, I can say that from experience, it can be helpful for some parents.
For the parent who is absolutely against physical punishment, redirection may be useful. In a childcare setting, caregivers are encouraged to state a positive rather than a negative. For example, instead of saying “Don’t climb on that!” we would say, “Please keep your feet on the ground.” Stating a positive helps the child remember what they can do and reduces the amount of times a parent says “No.” For some kids, the word no is tuned out from a young age because they hear it so often. Also, asking kids to tell you what they are doing wrong while they are in the process of making a bad decision can help them understand what they did wrong so that they can stop themselves from repeating the mistake later. Saying something like “I noticed you are doing something with your hands that is not very nice, what do you think that is?” and let them take a guess. If they are way off say, “Could it be hitting your friend? Hitting our friends is not a nice way to use our hands. What is a nice way to use our hands?” and let them figure out alternatives and then direct them towards those better choices, say for instance coloring, let them know that instead of using their hands for hitting, they could use them to color a nice picture for their friend. Giving kids another avenue to go down as opposed to doing something naughty may help them make better choices later on.
Our kids are our inspiration and the driving force that keeps us going. We love them and only want the best for them in life. As adults, we all know how cruel the world can be and how unfair things can get sometimes. While we would rather our kids never have to experience anything traumatic or upsetting, the reality is they probably will. What we can do as parents is prepare our children for those moments. Teaching our kids to be cautious and confident can help them make good choices. Knowing where their boundaries lie and how far they can go creates a sense of security and comfort.
About the Author
Samantha Brent is a stay at home mother of two girls ages 5 years and 5 months. She has 3 years of child care experience and 1 year of Clinical Medical Assistant experience. She currently lives in Michigan.
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